Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
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Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.