I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
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I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.