My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
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Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
FINE, I WON’T.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”