Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
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Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why