(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
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Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?