Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
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What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.