Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
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“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.