Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
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I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I’m not lazy
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.