I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
finally found a reasonable question
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?