If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
You Might Also Like
Found an m&m on the floor. Itâs been there all night, but I figure thatâs well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
beware of dog
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank GodâŚ
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Girls are shit with birthday gifts youâll hint for a Rolex all year & sheâll turn up with a jar thatâs filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know Iâm ignoring my husband, too.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
đđŻ
2017: It canât get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying âtrashâ to everyoneâs face.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
my parents didnât raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
not for long
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*