car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
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My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Vodka burrito was a success
*skinny dips into black hole
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.