This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
You Might Also Like
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?