Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
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Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”