Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
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Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
and this one
who wants to go expliring
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.