a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further