“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
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(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
This one’s “Alex”.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired