DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
You Might Also Like
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel