VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
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Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
me linking you to my twitter
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
These are my emotional support Pringles.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.