The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
You Might Also Like
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
iPhone X
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
honestly, i need both:
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh