If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
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SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.