angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
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[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?