Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
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Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
What a kind woman! 😂😂
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me