Me as a therapist: omg same
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A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
True.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?