Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
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Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!