My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
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“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy