I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
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Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV