angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
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“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”