She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
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Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.