If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
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No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*