I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
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Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
🤣😂
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS