If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
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A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*