Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
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Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”