me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
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Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Seas the day!!!!
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!