Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
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[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Where’s my employee discount too?
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
and this one
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.