Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
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Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”