One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
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“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
There’s always that one guy
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.