Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
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the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
A friend helps you before you need it
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety