I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
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There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
thank god the sign was there
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!