Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
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What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars