The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
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When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
new career option?
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Potatoes were such a good idea
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.