I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
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*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.