Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
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I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS