No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
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[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!