[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
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a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
yes… yes…
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.