If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
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my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.