{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
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How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
The Compass
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
no
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I don’t think my car can fly
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend