I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
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In case you needed to hear it:
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Super Hand Dog Face
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.