“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
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Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Room with a view.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!