[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
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HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Happy weekend !
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
This classic never gets old . . .
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I am a gravy boat captain
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread