Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
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Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Stonehinge
This is my emotional support chloroform rag